When it comes to meditation, specifically the practice of Zazen, I had no natural talent or skill for it. In fact, in my 34 years of Zen practice and training, I have never once sat in the much-vaunted and optimal posture known as the "Full Lotus." The closest I've ever gotten is the "Quarter Lotus," sometimes referred to as "Burmese," and even that was difficult for years. Now, however, it's my common and daily practice.
Trying to sit in "seiza," which is on one's knees, was excruciatingly painful due to a surfing accident that injured my right knee and led to subsequent arthritis after hitting a jetty during a hurricane and almost losing my life. Do I need to mention not having the body for it because of my height and weight? Ugh. There was a lot of mental shame about that, causing my posture to be criticized by shadow mind arising from my brain, which I nicknamed "Turd." It would say, "You certainly don't look like the Buddha statues, much less the people with flowing hair on the front cover of meditation magazines."
What is one to do? Lower the breath into the belly! Not give up! Train hard! Feel the fire in the knee! Go through sit after sit with the ankles and feet going numb, terrified of not being able to stand up gracefully, without falling and offer a bow like a fallen leaf gliding to the ground, touching forehead to the floor. I could also mention the sweat rolling down my face from anxiety and shame, praying for the bell to ring so I could literally crawl from my sitting position. And how many times did I take the keisaku (the encouragement stick) on my back, not to help me so-called wake up, but rather to help reduce my physical pain? Difficult, difficult, difficult! But still, because of my teachers—Junpo, Eido, Genjo, Shinge—Zen Masters whose time was and is precious, who did not give up on me, how could I give up on myself?
Eventually, I found my way. Truthfully, it took years—not weeks, days, or months. It's like a sword that is tempered by being placed in the fire and struck many times on the anvil, then cooled in water and other elements. Because of not giving up, I became the person that I am today and continue to be.
I am proud but not prideful that I didn't give up. Why? Because rather than discovering the person I was hoping to be, the lesson was in deciding the person that I was going to 「BE」 as I live through, moment to moment, in This body and lifetime. Each of us, in our own ways, is living our choices that help to shape our character. Please, do not give up—persevere! This is why I so often say, "We are the practice Itself."
一Dignity and Grace
Calligraphy note: The characters are 忍耐 or Nintai which means perseverance.
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